The Silver Lining in the Clouded Judgment

Early Thursday evening, I was browsing through the shelves of the Powerbooks at the Greenbelt 4. I was too early for the dinner I had set with Cam-b and Raprap, so I thought I'd grab a book to keep me company.

And to stop me from wrecking everything in my path.

My friend Bogs said I have a "Hulk Mode". It's when I go berserk, and smash everything close at hand. Which is another way of saying I hurt everyone close to me.

Real reason why I came early for dinner that night: I had an episode at the office. I freaked out. I dramatically cleared my table of everything, I threw things around, I shouted and screamed at my friends.

It wasn't a good feeling. It's the worst. I have had managed my anger quite successfully for the longest time now. I have been taking classes in mixed martial arts  so that I have an outlet for all my pent-up destructive energy. I have his thing where I block out everything by playing one song on a loop the whole day to effectively distract me from whatever was pissing me off.

I have anger management issues. I have ruined one too many relationships because of it. I can justify myself and say all those times I lost it, I was provoked. But I want to take responsibility for my weakness. I have rage issues. It's a flaw that people sometimes accidentally trigger.

Generally, I'm not a violent person. I have honed my wits enough to know that I can win any conflict simply with the sharpness of my mind, the strengths of my arguments, the stamina of my convictions.

But look, a bear in hibernation would fucking rip you to pieces if you don't stop poking it with a stick. You may think it's a joke, and bears are generally warm and fuzzy, but I'm still a fucking bear, man, and bears are like the only fucking animals that have no natural predator (except, Ok, a man with a shotgun).

I'm a bear, and sometimes, I lose it.

So, while I was browsing at the bookstore, I came across the novel The Silver Lining Playbook, and read this from the short description at the back cover:

Meet Pat. Pat has a theory: his life is a movie produced by God. And his God-given mission is to become physically fit and emotionally literate, whereupon God will ensure a happy ending for him -- the return of his estranged wife Nikki. (It might not come as a surprise to learn that Pat has spent time in a mental health facility.) The problem is, Pat's now home, and everything feels off. No one will talk to him about Nikki; his beloved Philadelphia Eagles keep losing; he's being pursued by the deeply odd Tiffany; his new therapist seems to recommend adultery as a form of theraphy. Plus, he's being hunted by Kenny G!

Which is basically my life in novel form. As my close friends know, I have always, always believed that I exist solely to entertain God. God throws plotlines my way to test my character.

Also, Pat is crazy obsessed about being physically fit. Like Siege Malvar. Also, he has anger management issues.

I'm still, like, a third into the book, but already I'm loving it. I rarely come across a book that I can strongly connect with. I love this book. You guys should read it too.