And When I'm Tired of Loving You, I'll Sleep and Dream of Loving You

Minsan wala ka ng ibang magagawa kundi magpaka-senti. Kasi yun lang ang tamang gawin. Ano pa man yung ibang gusto mong gawin, mali na. Hindi tama. 

At hindi ikaw yung tipo na gagawa ng mali. 

Kaya kahit masakit, basta alam mong tama, titiisin mo. 

Hihintayin mo.

Hanggang ang mali ay maging tama, dahil tinamaan ka, at balangaraw, magiging tama ang lahat.

Gratuitious Siege Malvar Photos

Sometimes, I get school children writing me requests for photographs to use in their book reports. I think these would be awesome. So, if you're one of those students Google Image Searching for photos of me (Carlos Malvar, Siege Malvar), well, you're welcome.

Freshly Squeezed

(120 or so), Sammertime.

(15), After Sammer.

At 5 in the Morning

It's 5 in the morning, and I haven't slept at all. Lately, as I've mentioned, I've been suffering from hives/rashes. So, I took an anti-histamine last night without prior consultation on its side effect. Sleeplessness is probably one of them.

Yes, blaming it on the anti-histamine is more logical.

I woke up parched, so I thought, hey, maybe I'll read some e-books on my tablet in the dark until I doze off. Didn't work.

So, I tried blogging using my tablet. WHY, GOOGLE, WOULD YOU NOT HAVE A BLOGGER APP FOR ANDROID on Google Play? It's really, really counter productive. I want to blog on the go. I want a way to dump my thoughts directly into the cloud. Wordpress has one, and it got good reviews!

Blue as Deep as Black

What's imperative is that I function. That for the hours that everyone's up and running, I need to run along. So I laugh, because some jokes are funny. They really are. And I smile, because everyone else does.

But at night, when I'm alone, the sadness creeps in. Jokes aren't enough. I don't have to function anymore, and I can't, so it's just me and the blue as deep as black coming from all over all at once.

I don't want to drag anyone else into this, so let's not talk about it. Don't feel bad for me, I don't want to ruin your day. Keep calm. Carry on. Move along. I hate drama, I don't want to be dramatic.

I'm calling myself out as overly dramatic, and craving for attention. Yeah, it'll be easier to define this as a simple need for an audience. That this isn't real, this is just being self-centred. So, let's not talk about it. This isn't real. There are bigger problems to deal with. This isn't real.

Sometimes, I just want to close my eyes and never open them again.

hey

I am just so fucking sad right now. So fucking sad.

Displacement of Hurt

I wish I'm not such a boy with my feelings, because it really hurts my knuckles when I punch walls. I really shouldn't bottle things up until they reach the brim and overflow. I can't lose it every time I can no longer suppress my anger.

Ok, so there I was, on the floor, doing push ups. Zuen was pacing around the room saying things like "You'll never be together" and "Keep it together" which sounds like he was talking about the same thing, but he's not, well not exactly.

I'm doing push ups because I'm already hurting from punching the walls.

"I don't like this feeling," I said. "I want to uninstall it."

20, 25, 30. How'd I get to 30 so quickly?

I dropped, rolled over, and stared at the ceiling. "I don't ever want to get up," I announced.

There's a concept called "displacement of hurt". To distract the brain from pinpointing the pain where it hurts the most, you cause pain somewhere else where it's bearable. So we clench our teeth, dig our fingers through our palm, pinch ourselves, knock our heads on the door.

Punch walls.

Because where it hurts is here, where two set of rib cages cannot protect it from the exquisite tenderness of pain imagined.